New announcements

We’re a month or so away from the end of the Spring semester, but we have some big news, and I just had to share.

First, we’ve decided to transition away from the Dewey Decimal System. Most other universities are using the Library of Congress (LOC) classification system, which uses an alphanumeric code that offers more fine-grained categorization. It’s pretty neat.

However, we’re not going to do anything silly like that. Instead, in order to better aid students, we’ll start shelving according to when each item was published, then organizing by color. We plan to use the classical ROY G. BIV spectrum, bookended by black and white covers. Gray-colored books are a little difficult to place, so we’re discarding those.

The result will be so much simpler than Dewey or LOC that we’re getting rid of all numbers altogether. Instead, when searching in the catalog, you’ll find information like “Recently published in gamboge.” Then all you have to do is go to the last half of the shelves, then move to where red transitions to orange, zero in on the gamboge-colored books, then find the individual title you want!

We think it’ll be a lot easier on the eyes, too. As an added benefit to our students, it’ll also provide an interesting visual representation of publishing trends through the choice of color in book covers, which we’re sure will be extremely useful to our students.

Additionally, we’ve noticed that demand for our public computers is very high, resulting in frustrated students either waiting in line or seeking an open computer elsewhere. We want our students to be happy, so we’ve removed the computers altogether!

Printing costs have skyrocketed -- paper is very expensive -- so we’ve also removed the printers and are offering scrolls made from vellum for student use. Super environmentally-friendly; all you have to do to reuse your scroll is take some sand from our public litter box, scrape the surface of the scroll with it until all the ink is gone, then check out one of our quills and inkpots and start filling the scroll up again!

In order to trim costs, we’ve also started raising calves that will eventually be converted into the vellum we need for our scrolls; this is a huge win for the Library, as the leftover veal will be cooked and sold to our students for further funds! We’ve begun to consult with a local restaurant group on tips for making great burgers, and will be collaborating with campus fraternities to staff the griddles.

Now, because we’ve decided to diversify into livestock, we also foresee the need for pastureland, so have begun consultations with another group for ways we can knock down the Library and replace it with some lovely grass! It’s already paying off, as they’ve suggested that over the summer, we take the remaining books, compost them, and use them to fertilize the new pasture. Because the books will be organized by color, the pasture will be a lovely rainbow of hues. Now that’s aesthetic sustainability!

Unfortunately, since librarians do not very often make good cowboys, all Library staff has been scheduled for retraining over the summer. We’ll be spending two months at a ranch in Colorado learning how to rope steers. Additionally, in order to beef up our leadership in this new era of librarianship, we’ll be getting a new administrator to oversee the Library. Over Labor Day weekend, you can expect a blog post from Chet “Desperado” Carney, Gallaudet University’s newest Chief Cattle-Herdin’ Officer, on further exciting new developments!

Since we have removed all computers and the electricity will be shut off, Dr. Carney will be painting his news on a large piece of cardboard; he, and the board, will be found in his new office on the Green. Just keep an eye out for the lawn chair and fella in the cowboy hat!

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An actual update will be forthcoming later this week.